Wowsers, I am ill and feeling very sorry for myself. I am also very,very cross about it.

I feel a bit like a hangover, but worse. I have a bruise-like pain in my lower abdomen which hurts a lot when I walk or even just move. And I have a sort of hangover feeling in my head – but worse; and I am as weak as a baby.

Overall it feels vaguely similar to having a temperature. The bottom line is it is extremely difficult to get anything done. Forcing myself to be active doesn’t get me very far because that is what I have done and I am just completely inefficient about doing anything. It’s just not worth trying really. I am really really weak. I stumble around. It’s a bit like being immersed in a great vat of sticky treacle which makes any movement a huge effort.

But, this grotty feeling has a very precise cause, and I know exactly what it is.

ASDA ! It is filthy food from a filthy supermarket. The  ASDA supermarket to be exact.

Let me explain. Because I am poverty struck, having recently been evicted from my home by the truly wicked, rapacious sub-prime mortgage thieves SPML, a subsidiary of that equally dishonest and wicked bank, Lehmann Bros, which recently caused the global economic meltdown with it’s fraudulent activity, I was tempted to be a cheapskate to save my valuable pennies.

I was lured by the ASDA  supermarket into buying a pack of half a dozen cut-price jam donuts. They were being sold off cheap – a third of their original price – because they   heading rapidly for their sell-by date and would be unsalable by the end of the day. At 30p for six, I thought I couldn’t go wrong, and I thought my twelve year old son would like them and not notice they were just a little bit stale. I mean, who cares if a donut is just a little bit stale ? It certainly won’t give you food poisoning. Or will it?

It will if it comes from ASDA. I know it was the donuts from ASDA that poisoned me because I had eaten some plain boiled rice with steamed vegetables four hours previously for lunch. There was absolutely no possibility of  bugs in that because both the rice and veg were steamed to death in a microwave by me and no earth bound life form could have survived what I did to it in that microwave four hours before I ate the nasty donuts.

About one hour after eating the donuts in the late afternoon yesterday, I had dramatic squits. Very dramatic. Completely, completely liquid. It was repeated a couple of times. I spent the rest of the day feeling as though I had been punched in the stomach. There was no more eating anything. No supper then.

Today nothing much had changed. It was a bit worse though. More liquid squits at the beginning of today left me even weaker than before. Now I was incredibly weak too and my head was buzzing. No chance of doing anything at all.

The simple reason for feeling so ill and weak so quickly is that when you have real, nasty, dramatic diarrhea, you suddenly lose body salts and therefore the balance of electrolytes in the bloodstream becomes wildly unbalanced. This means various chemicals needed to produce energy and muscle movement can’t do that job properly. Blood sugar levels plummet and you head in the direction of being in a coma, which is where you will be soon if the situation continues without improvement.

This is why victims of Cholera die very quickly indeed. They die quite simply of diahorrea. So it is no joke; and this is why I am feeling so ill.

Thank you very much ASDA.

More about nasty donuts later. It is now 3 a.m. and very definitely bedtime  and I am just fading away, so will have to finish this tomorrow.

I have something more to say about donuts which needs to be said. You’ll see what I mean.


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